I think this is about as deep and dark as it gets with me, maybe. Hopefully?
Warning: it’s probably gonna seem …different, to a lot of you. Might make you uncomfortable. Hell, it makes me uncomfortable. But I feel like I should get it out there.
BTW, additions that I’ve made to help you understand or protect privacy are in [brackets like this].
Okay so here goes…
When you’re breaking up with someone, because you can see that y’all don’t jive and a relationship WILL NOT WORK OUT WELL so it’s not worth getting further into it…
It really is the best choice to break up. There is no better option. That is the best thing for both parties, given the way you feel and the justification for it.
Going any further will cause more pain.
But does the pain outweigh the enjoyment?
Yes, by the time the relationship reaches breaking point, that is the case.
That’s why I ended it with m.
"I can’t do this anymore."
And I really do mean I can’t.
It’s past the point of “I sorta don’t feel like it.”
"I know this is not right for me. And how could I go on with something that I KNOW is not right for me? And I mean truly know."
"I know it really sucks but there’s no other way."
"This relationship has run its course."
And not because I hate you.
I do not hate you.
I still believe you are a valuable person.
You’re just not the right one for me.
You are the right one for somebody else, even though you may not see it now.”
That’s what a breakup is, in its most good, natural state.
Crashing a plane into the ocean rather than a crowd of people on the shore. Neither option is good, but one is definitely better.
A transoceanic plane descending to Tokyo has entered a rough storm, and has been found to have an insufficient amount of fuel for the flight…
"Sir, we have enough fuel to make it to land, but not enough to make it to any airport or unpopulated area…"
"You’re sure of this?"
A pause… while the pilot strokes his beard, obviously in deep thought…
Sighing, he says: “Well. I guess we’re crashing into the ocean.”
"WHAT?! Why don’t you just keep it going??" an alarmed woman fervently asked the pilot, "Maybe we can find some place to land it!"
The pilot said:
"We in this plane are all gonna fuckin’ die no matter what. I can safely say that because I am a flight expert. For all intents and purposes, this plane is fuckin’ done. SO. I am going to plough it into the motherfuckin’ ocean rather than crash it in the city.
We’re going, but there’s no sense in bringing them down with us if we don’t have to; and we don’t.
Moral of the story.
Sometimes breakups are necessary. That’s usually why they happen.
Or hopefully it’s usually…
How nice would it be to find someone with whom a breakup never becomes necessary…
I haven’t met one of those people yet.
I know, though, the B was the “best I ever had.”
My relationship with B was my best relationship yet. Most positive.
Because of how I felt (largely a result of how she felt,) and what I learned.
I learned so much.
I learned of the possibilty of so many things.
I look forward to the next relationship where I feel so strongly (or more) and I learn so much (or more)
part of me feels like my therapist agrees with everything I say, so I feel like progress is not being made
[Thought process went to: “Is disagreement from my therapist really the sign of progress?” then left this train of thought.]
I’m fuckin bomb.
It feels sooo cocky to say that.
But it’s true.
I’m goddamn amazing.
And that is okay.
It’s okay for that to be true, it’s okay for me to realize it, and it’s okay for me to say it.
(Part of me is still saying “no it’s not, dude.”)
Do you realize what that means?
It means we see and analyze ourselves.
We talk to ourselves (in our heads) ABOUT ourselves.
That’s two entities (at least). The self and what is watching the self and commenting.
And when two people become united, technically that’s like 4 entities uniting (or possibly more).
[some hot okcupid girl]’s profile, which I am thinking of because I notice a lot of self-consciousness and lack of confidence in it (“maturity”)…]
**[yadda yadda, I can’t show this profile info for privacy reasons, but it’s this girl who says “I dunno” about herself quite a bit and comments on herself and gives off a kinda unsocialized nerd vibe even though she’s hot]**
I just judged that pretty hard.
Does that make me a snob?
I can tell she’s not someone who’d be right for me.
But fucking her would be an awful good time, I think… because she’s pretty hot, and I’d enjoy having sex with a hot girl.
M likes me.
But she’s unreliable as hell.
But I am interested in her.
That being said, I’m not gonna bow at her feet and offer up everything. I gotta have some self-respect.
"[my name here] you don’t go after what you want.
How do you expect to get something if you don’t go get it?”
(someone could perhaps accuse me in that way; I dunno)
I dunno dude.
If I’m not mega-stoked on someone, why chase ‘em?
"Does this mean you’re not mega-stoked on M?"
Indeed I am not mega-stoked on her. As I said she’s unreliable as HELL, and I deserve someone who will communicate better than that. Put more effort into communicating. Put more care into it. Someone who cares.
(I sorta feel like asking [therapist] if this is reasonable.)
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DAMMIT THERE ARE STILL TWO CONFLICTING SIDES TO WHAT GOES ON INSIDE MY HEAD.
I KNOW I AM A PRETTY COOL GUY BUT THERE’S SOMETHING THAT SAYS “Ehh… you’re not that special really.”
WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I wanna know why. Frig.
What spurred this is: [skater photographer dude] and [hot skater girl] both liked my video from [skatepark] today.
I didn’t think [hot skater girl] even noticed me as being a person.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE NOT NOTICE ME? I’VE SKATEBOARDED WITH HER ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.
I HAVE TALKED TO HER AT LEAST A BIT.
I feel like I have to prove that I am not so low that I will bow to a beautiful woman……………
I’m playing hard to get?
Because life has taught me that if I don’t, that means I’m a loser.
This is where my mind has led me, on this high.
There’s a reason why my mind went this way.
Remember I started with thinking about sexual stuff… fantasizing about some girl (B) letting me watch her sleep naked, and/or pull off her panties while she’s sleeping.
I am consumed by desire for love……
And I feel like I need to hide that.
If I thought it would work in my favour to send some hot girl 10 messages, I would do it.
I am willing, but I do not believe it would do me any good. Or the girl.
"Don’t act creepy."
"Don’t act desperate."
I thought weed is supposed to make you happy.
…But I feel like, I see this darkness inside me.
And I want it out but I don’t know how to get it out.
And when I say darkness I mean this tendency to think that I’m not enough, or I won’t end up with a girl I really like, or people don’t notice whether I’m around or not, or people don’t think I’m that great, or people think I’m kind of a dweeb, or I fuck everything up, or my timing is terrible always, or clearly I’m not that great if I don’t have an amazing woman at my side who is proof that I am great [the logic is: if a rad woman is with me, that must mean I’m pretty great, ‘cause why would she be with me if I wasn’t great?]
I feel like there is a piece of me missing.
A piece that is to be filled by a loving, amazing woman.
I still seek [therapist]’s approval.
Like I need to be validated.
I want [therapist] to be here so I could talk to her.
But I’m just realizing now, I don’t like facing her.
I just do that because that’s the natural seating arrangement.
I would rather be facing the ceiling.
I would rather she not look at me as well… I think.
I like that, when people can’t see my face.
Because I feel like my face gives away a LOT, and I don’t… want to have my mind read, in a way…
I feel like my face gives me away.
Holy piss, dude.
Is that why I like masks so much?
I feel like… I openly revealed my face to B, and it was okay.
I feel like I’m still not over her.
I dunno if I ever cried about her and I ending our relationship.
"I know when he takes a long time to reply he’s thinking really hard."
B said that. She knew me that well.
Insecure. [I’m referring to myself here]
Grasping, asking for help.
I feel like I’m trying to fix myself from the surface inward……
Part of my mind is caricature-izing B’s face.
Exaggerating her bad teeth and overbite.
Making her look like some retarded “duhhh” dude or something.
And I was saying “fuck you” to that side of my brain.
Because she was and is so much more. That’s such an insult to her person.
I feel fucking lost.
Someone love me, please.
Someone fix me.
I think that, as a whole, I am not lovable.
As in, no one will love ALL of me.
There’s too much wrong with me,
including my opininon that there is too much wrong with me.
So it’s a never-ending vicious cycle.
[after this I listened to “Let Me Love You” by Ne-yo and cried pretty damn hard because I was imagining a woman singing that to me, and relating really fuckin’ hard; realizing how much I want that]