What Goes Through My Head

Coyamito Agate Pseudomorph | ©Uwe Reier
Rancho Coyamito Norte, Mexico (2013).
Pseudomorphs in agate are quite rare but do occur in nodular agates from various locations, usually as a calcite or aragonite replacement. 

Can you believe nature made this? Shit’s cray.


Coyamito Agate Pseudomorph©Uwe Reier

Rancho Coyamito Norte, Mexico (2013).

Pseudomorphs in agate are quite rare but do occur in nodular agates from various locations, usually as a calcite or aragonite replacement. 

Can you believe nature made this? Shit’s cray.

I’ve been researching this “trail” biz, regarding bicycle steering geometry, and I think I finally have a handle on it.

More trail equates to slower steering, less trail will make faster steering. Increasing fork rake for a given head tube angle will decrease trail, therefore giving faster steering at the front end. More trail is good at high speeds, but at slower speeds it can make the bike feel sluggish.”

Note that a more stable bike will help the rider stay upright, but cannot be steered with as much precision. One reason track bicycles have less trail is because they are made for a precise ride rather than an easy one. A racer would rather have greater control and take responsibility for keeping the bike upright. This is especially important when the rider is out of the saddle and pushing hard on the pedals. At this time, the bike is being flipped rapidly from side to side, and if it has a large trail, it will wobble as it does so because the front wheel will turn with the lean.”

You can see that my bike fork is like the one at the bottom-right of the diagram. It has a small amount of trail. This makes it kinda twitchy and less stable than lots of other bikes, even though when you first look at it, it sorta looks like the fork was designed to make the bike more stable.

I’m not sure how I feel about this geometry. I’m more accustomed to riding a BMX bike, which I’m pretty sure has a considerably more stable feel (but then again my BMX bike has much wider handlebars than my road bike, and I’m sure that makes a difference).
This road bike always seems to wanna turn, which can be good sometimes but mostly I just wanna go straight, ya know?

Aesthetically, I strongly prefer forks that are less curved or not curved at all, because they jive well with the other straight lines that make up the bike frame. I think my current fork looks sorta ridiculous; but that may just be my detail-obsessiveness talking.
(Look at this shit though:)



Anyway, maybe I’ll get a straighter fork one o’ these days. Who knows.
Different forks aren’t the easiest things to install on these old bikes though. They have to be sized just right.

Listened to this the other night when I was high, and ended up crying my eyes out, because I related mad-hard to these lyrics:

"Much as you blame yourself, you can’t be blamed for the way that you feel
Had no example of a love that was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had?
Ooh, baby, if you let me, I can help you out with all of that

Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
I know your trouble
Don’t be afraid, girl let me help
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
A heart of numbness gets brought to life
I’ll take you there

I can see the pain behind your eyes
It’s been there for quite a while
I just wanna be the one to remind you what it is to smile
I would like to show you what true love can really do”

If anyone’s wondering, I thought of it as a super-rad girl singing that to me…


That was some moving shit…
Just, the idea that you can completely, openly reveal yourself to someone, with all your faults and weird habits and everything, and they can love all of that and basically want nothing more than to be with you and make you feel good; and it’s actually okay for you to be far from perfect… fuck.

Even though I have experienced love (I’m pretty sure), that was years ago, and I’ve been missing it really goddamn hard.

It’s heavy… this burden of knowing that there’s something so incredible out there, but I can’t have it right now and there’s no way of knowing for sure if I’ll ever be able to have it again.

Blah blah blah. This may sound whiney. If it does, so be it.
I’m allowed to whine every now and then.


I am sure a lot of pornos start this way.


I am sure a lot of pornos start this way.

Advan Celica XX, nabbed from Riverside’s facebook page




Look at my nails omfg

How did you take that photo?!?




Look at my nails omfg

How did you take that photo?!?


My deepest (darkest) thoughts…

I think this is about as deep and dark as it gets with me, maybe. Hopefully?
Warning: it’s probably gonna seem …different, to a lot of you. Might make you uncomfortable. Hell, it makes me uncomfortable. But I feel like I should get it out there.
BTW, additions that I’ve made to help you understand or protect privacy are in [brackets like this].
Okay so here goes…

When you’re breaking up with someone, because you can see that y’all don’t jive and a relationship WILL NOT WORK OUT WELL so it’s not worth getting further into it…
It really is the best choice to break up. There is no better option. That is the best thing for both parties, given the way you feel and the justification for it.
Going any further will cause more pain.
But does the pain outweigh the enjoyment?
Yes, by the time the relationship reaches breaking point, that is the case.

That’s why I ended it with m.

"I can’t do this anymore."
And I really do mean I can’t.
It’s past the point of “I sorta don’t feel like it.”

"I know this is not right for me. And how could I go on with something that I KNOW is not right for me? And I mean truly know."

"I know it really sucks but there’s no other way."
"This relationship has run its course."
It’s dunzo.
And not because I hate you.
I do not hate you.
I still believe you are a valuable person.
You’re just not the right one for me.
You are the right one for somebody else, even though you may not see it now.”

That’s what a breakup is, in its most good, natural state.
Damage control.
Crashing a plane into the ocean rather than a crowd of people on the shore. Neither option is good, but one is definitely better.

A transoceanic plane descending to Tokyo has entered a rough storm, and has been found to have an insufficient amount of fuel for the flight…

"Sir, we have enough fuel to make it to land, but not enough to make it to any airport or unpopulated area…"

"You’re sure of this?"

"Positive, sir."

A pause… while the pilot strokes his beard, obviously in deep thought…

Sighing, he says: “Well. I guess we’re crashing into the ocean.”

"WHAT?! Why don’t you just keep it going??" an alarmed woman fervently asked the pilot, "Maybe we can find some place to land it!"

The pilot said:
"We in this plane are all gonna fuckin’ die no matter what. I can safely say that because I am a flight expert. For all intents and purposes, this plane is fuckin’ done. SO. I am going to plough it into the motherfuckin’ ocean rather than crash it in the city.
We’re going, but there’s no sense in bringing them down with us if we don’t have to; and we don’t.

Moral of the story.
Sometimes breakups are necessary. That’s usually why they happen.
Or hopefully it’s usually…

How nice would it be to find someone with whom a breakup never becomes necessary…
I haven’t met one of those people yet.

I know, though, the B was the “best I ever had.”
My relationship with B was my best relationship yet. Most positive.
Because of how I felt (largely a result of how she felt,) and what I learned.
I learned so much.
I learned of the possibilty of so many things.

I look forward to the next relationship where I feel so strongly (or more) and I learn so much (or more)

part of me feels like my therapist agrees with everything I say, so I feel like progress is not being made

[Thought process went to: “Is disagreement from my therapist really the sign of progress?” then left this train of thought.]

I’m fuckin bomb.

It feels sooo cocky to say that.

But it’s true.

I’m goddamn amazing.

And that is okay.

It’s okay for that to be true, it’s okay for me to realize it, and it’s okay for me to say it.

(Part of me is still saying “no it’s not, dude.”)


Do you realize what that means?

It means we see and analyze ourselves.

We talk to ourselves (in our heads) ABOUT ourselves.

That’s two entities (at least). The self and what is watching the self and commenting.

And when two people become united, technically that’s like 4 entities uniting (or possibly more).

[some hot okcupid girl]’s profile, which I am thinking of because I notice a lot of self-consciousness and lack of confidence in it (“maturity”)…]

**[yadda yadda, I can’t show this profile info for privacy reasons, but it’s this girl who says “I dunno” about herself quite a bit and comments on herself and gives off a kinda unsocialized nerd vibe even though she’s hot]**

I just judged that pretty hard.
Does that make me a snob?
I can tell she’s not someone who’d be right for me.
But fucking her would be an awful good time, I think… because she’s pretty hot, and I’d enjoy having sex with a hot girl.


M likes me.
But she’s unreliable as hell.
But I am interested in her.

That being said, I’m not gonna bow at her feet and offer up everything. I gotta have some self-respect.

"[my name here] you don’t go after what you want.
How do you expect to get something if you don’t go get it?”
(someone could perhaps accuse me in that way; I dunno)

I dunno dude.
If I’m not mega-stoked on someone, why chase ‘em?

"Does this mean you’re not mega-stoked on M?"

Indeed I am not mega-stoked on her. As I said she’s unreliable as HELL, and I deserve someone who will communicate better than that. Put more effort into communicating. Put more care into it. Someone who cares.

(I sorta feel like asking [therapist] if this is reasonable.)


I KNOW I AM A PRETTY COOL GUY BUT THERE’S SOMETHING THAT SAYS “Ehh… you’re not that special really.”



I wanna know why. Frig.

What spurred this is: [skater photographer dude] and [hot skater girl] both liked my video from [skatepark] today.

I didn’t think [hot skater girl] even noticed me as being a person.


I feel like I have to prove that I am not so low that I will bow to a beautiful woman……………

I’m playing hard to get?

Because life has taught me that if I don’t, that means I’m a loser.

This is where my mind has led me, on this high.
There’s a reason why my mind went this way.
Remember I started with thinking about sexual stuff… fantasizing about some girl (B) letting me watch her sleep naked, and/or pull off her panties while she’s sleeping.

I am consumed by desire for love……

And I feel like I need to hide that.

If I thought it would work in my favour to send some hot girl 10 messages, I would do it.

I am willing, but I do not believe it would do me any good. Or the girl.

"Don’t act creepy."
"Don’t act desperate."

What happened.
I thought weed is supposed to make you happy.

…But I feel like, I see this darkness inside me.
And I want it out but I don’t know how to get it out.

And when I say darkness I mean this tendency to think that I’m not enough, or I won’t end up with a girl I really like, or people don’t notice whether I’m around or not, or people don’t think I’m that great, or people think I’m kind of a dweeb, or I fuck everything up, or my timing is terrible always, or clearly I’m not that great if I don’t have an amazing woman at my side who is proof that I am great [the logic is: if a rad woman is with me, that must mean I’m pretty great, ‘cause why would she be with me if I wasn’t great?]

I feel like there is a piece of me missing.
A piece that is to be filled by a loving, amazing woman.

WTF, man.

Feeling down.

I still seek [therapist]’s approval.

Like I need to be validated.

I want [therapist] to be here so I could talk to her.

But I’m just realizing now, I don’t like facing her.
I just do that because that’s the natural seating arrangement.
I would rather be facing the ceiling.

I would rather she not look at me as well… I think.

I like that, when people can’t see my face.
Because I feel like my face gives away a LOT, and I don’t… want to have my mind read, in a way…

I feel like my face gives me away.

Holy piss, dude.

Is that why I like masks so much?

I feel like… I openly revealed my face to B, and it was okay.

I feel like I’m still not over her.

I dunno if I ever cried about her and I ending our relationship.

"I know when he takes a long time to reply he’s thinking really hard."
B said that. She knew me that well.

Insecure. [I’m referring to myself here]

Grasping, asking for help.

Like Shinji…

I feel like I’m trying to fix myself from the surface inward……

Part of my mind is caricature-izing B’s face.
Exaggerating her bad teeth and overbite.
Making her look like some retarded “duhhh” dude or something.

And I was saying “fuck you” to that side of my brain.
Because she was and is so much more. That’s such an insult to her person.

I feel fucking lost.
Someone love me, please.
Someone fix me.

I think that, as a whole, I am not lovable.
As in, no one will love ALL of me.
There’s too much wrong with me,
including my opininon that there is too much wrong with me.
So it’s a never-ending vicious cycle.

[after this I listened to “Let Me Love You” by Ne-yo and cried pretty damn hard because I was imagining a woman singing that to me, and relating really fuckin’ hard; realizing how much I want that]